Why Couple Should Stop Comparing Other People's With There Lovely Home

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I Need A Caring Husband

Written By 

Ustaz Adeiza AbuMuslim

THE CHARATERS

-OYINE is Enebere's Wife Typical Ebira 

-ENEBERE is Oyine's Husband Typical Ebira 

-ADEIZA is Oyiza's Husband Ebira but Brought Up In The North

-OYIZA is Adeiza's Husband Brought Up In The North 

-ONYIYI is Adavuruku's  Wife and Typical Ebira 

-ADAVURUKU is Onyiyi's Husband and Typical Ebira

Episode one

Oyine is married to Enebere, a young man who was born and raised in Okene, the only time Enebere was away from his  home state was during his youth service which he did in Oyo state, so Enebere lived all his life in his home state because even the university he attended was in his state.

Enebere grew up in state where the women struggle on their own even if the man is rich an Ebira woman will always want to do something for herself because they hate surprises, it is the woman that goes to the market to buy food stuff while the man provides the money, a typical Ebira man like Enebere who has never been out of the state before marriage to see how things are done differently sees any man going to the market as a weak man who is probably under a spell.

Enebere was raised in a typical Ebira home where his father as the head of the family goes out to work and make money, his mother sells provisions in front of the house and when his father is about going out he will give his mother money to go to the market and buy food stuff for the family, the man's duty is to provide the money and when he returns he will meet food at home, a typical Ebira man has no business going to the market to buy food stuff in fact it is a big deal to them.

Immediately Enebere was through with his youth service, he got a  job through his school mate whose uncle work in an organization where he hold a vital position, he was posted to sokoto a core northern state, after working for a year he decided to get married to his long time girlfriend Oyine who was his secondary School mate.

Oyine was a very friendly lady and nice too, after her secondary school, she could not further her education so she started a petty business, she was into selling of wrappers and veils in a small quantity, after their wedding, she moved to sokoto with her husband and they live in a compound of four blocks of flats, two of the flats occupied by hausas and the other one occupied by Ebira man called Adeiza who was born and brought in sokoto and he was married to Oyiza who was also born and brought up in Kano state .

Sokoto is a core northern state where the women are kept indoors in most cases, it is the duty of the man to make money and also go to the market to buy food stuff for his wife, the hausa women even though they are educated don't like to work outside the house but because of present civilization some of them now engage in indoor businesses and only few of them are working class. 

This their culture of woman staying at home while the men go to the market has been embraced by other tribes who has stayed with them long most especially if they are born and raised within the hausas, that is why you see some Ebira who lived with them for a long time copying that culture.

Adeiza though an Ebira but behaves more like an hausa man because even his mother was born and brought in sokoto , he does everything according to the hausa culture and tradition, Oyiza does nothing apart from staying at home and waiting for her husband Adeiza to bring food stuff for her to make food but Enebere on the other hand drop money for Oyine whenever he is going out to buy food stuff and make food for him.

Oyine and Oyiza became friends immediately, just like Enebere and Adeiza, which is because they speak the same language.

episode two

At first Oyine did not see anything wrong with what Enebere was doing by giving her money to go to the market because she was also brought up in the village and she knows how it works there because her mother also take money from her father to go to the market and buy food stuff for the family, so she was expecting such before she got married but the environment she finds herself after marriage is beginning to change her views.

Every evening Oyine sit down and see, Adeiza coming back from work with food stuff, Adeiza work in a private company and he is not earning as much as Enebere though he is comfortable just that he doesn't have his own car yet like Enebere who was able to get a car within the first year of his employment though not a very big one but he is mobile, Adeiza is of the same age with Enebere and he is also a newly married guy like Enebere .

Adeiza  use to buy this things and bring them home with commercial tricycle (Keke), sometimes whenever he comes back with the things Oyiza will be inside the house even if she knows that her husband is back, she will still wait inside for him to bring it inside by himself, sometimes whenever Oyine is outside the house and he saw him coming back like that, she will even help him to take the things inside to meet Oyiza.

The only thing Enebere do buy for Oyine is yam and maybe when they need to buy a bag of rice so he will be the one to buy them because he has a car, but evey other thing will be bought by Oyine and most of the time she will take KEKE, Oyiza and Oyine do talk a lot since both of them are full house wives so once their husbands are out, the only thing they do is to sit and be gisting about life and their husbands most of the time.

Sometimes Oyine will be in Oyiza's flat while Adeiza will bring the food stuff he bought from the market,  another thing is that even if Adeiza could not carry the things he bought at once inside the house, he will still be the one to go back and carry the rest from outside, while on the other hand Whenever Enebere help Oyine to buy things from the market, he will call her out for them to pack them in together.

Oyine started wondering what kind of charm Oyiza is using for her husband that she doesn't know, so one day, she decided to try her luck with Enebere , it was end of the month, and just like Enebere use to do, Oyine will bring the list of the things they need at home and Enebere will give her the money after seeing the list, he will only remove the money for yam, rice, beans and semovita so that he will help her to buy it and bring them home with his car, and sometimes Oyine will be the one to go and buy everything in the list but when she is done, she will call Enebere to come and pick her up with the car.

So when Enebere gave her the money this time, she refused to collect, she said Enebere should go to the market and buy things because she can't go anywhere , it almost brought quarrel between them but she later collected the money and she promised herself she most know the charm that Oyiza and their other hausa neighbors are using for their husbands.

Episode three

One day, as they were sitting and gisting as usual, Oyine asked Oyiza why she and the other hausa women in the compound does not go out to the market and other places, even if they are the ones that needs to buy something, it is the man that will still go and buy it, Oyiza told her that where she and her husband was brought up, it is the man that does everything that needs to be done outside the house and that is how she and her husband were brought up.

Oyine said even if the other neighbors are from the north but she and her husband are Ebira just like them so how come her Enebere is not doing all this things for her, Oyiza told her that her husband Adeiza does everything that he is doing for her because he loves her and doesn't want her to go through any stress, so that is why he is doing whatever he is doing including the other hausa men inside the compound.

Oyiza told Oyine that she grew up to see her father going to the market to buy food stuff for her mother and they are all use to the fact that, it is the man that goes to the market, Oyiza told her that, if she didn't see an Ebira man like Adeiza she would have married an hausa man because she does not like the Ebira mentality of sending women outside to do things on their own.

Oyine told Oyiza that she used to envy her each time, her husband comes back home with the things he used to buy for her, she told her that she used to wonder why she doesn't have this kind of luck that she has, Oyine told her that the only thing her husband use to buy willingly by himself apart from yam is when they need a bag of rice, but every other things she will go to the market by herself  but unlike Adeiza who will buy everything for Oyiza including salt and Maggi.

One day Oyiza was complaining to Oyine that her husband went to the market and bouggt pant that is not her size, it looks so strange to Oyine and she asked her so you mean it's your husband that will buy pants for you and she asked her what is funny because it is the normal thing, Oyine told Oyiza that she is very lucky on like her that her husband only gives her money to go and buy the things she needs, she said Enebere does not even know the size of her pants.

She started complaining to Enebere to  be buying something for her just like the way Adeiza do buy things for his wife, she started telling Enebere that he doesn't love her enough that is why he is seeing it as a big deal to buy things for her, after all, their neighbors do go to the market for their wife how come her own is different , Enebere told her that he was not brought up that way and there's no way he will reduce himself to that level of buying pepper and tomatoes for his wife.

Enebere told her that he is a typical Ebira man and he has his own culture and tradition, Enebere told her that his duty is to provide money for his wife to buy whatever she wants and not to buy it for her, Enebere asked Oyine what she will be doing at home if he starts going to the market for her, she told him that she will be doing what other women are doing.

Episode four

Enebere has a next compound neighbor who is also an Ebira by tribe, she and her husband were brought up in the village just like Enebere and Oyine, her name is Onyiyi, her husband's is Adavuruku  and Enebere became friends immediately he packed to that area though, he is far other than Enebere because his first child is already in the university, Oyine do visit Onyiyi once in a while because she is not always around because of the nature of her job as a nurse.

Oyine  always complain to her about the fact that her husband is not caring unlike her neighbor's husband who will go to the market to buy things for her despite the fact that they are Ebira like them, she told Onyiyi that a caring husband is supposed to take the list from his wife every month and go to the market to buy the things they need,  she said each time she sits down and see Adeiza coming from work with food stuff and sometimes soup ingredients, she used to wish that it is her husband that is doing all these things for her.

Onyiyi told Oyine that she is older than her which means that she has more experience than her, she told her that, this is her 25th year in her husband's house and she has also lived in this state for a very long time, she told her that the culture of the hausas is to keep a woman indoor, they don't allow their wives to do any work and they don't allow her to socialize,  she told Oyine that their culture is very different from theirs and any man who is not familiar with it can not practice it because it is against the culture and tradition of some tribe to run errands for their wives.

Onyiyi asked her if she was not raised at home, she said she was, Onyiyi told her that despite her age and the number of children she has, she still goes to the market for herself if her children are not around, and she never complained because what is obtainable in one home is not obtainable in another home, she told her to forget about what her neighbors are doing for their wives that her husband is not doing for her and look at what her husband is doing for her they are not doing for their wives.

Oyine said what is happening in her home is as a result of lack of love, she told her that her husband is not running errands for her because he doesn't love her to that extent, she said if she had known, she would not have married her husband but she would have married that hausa man selling wrappers in Okene that once asked for her husband in marriage, Onyiyi looked at her and laugh, Onyiyi told her that if she should know what those her neighbors are taking from their husbands, she will thank God for giving her an Ebira man to marry.

Onyiyi told her to be careful so that she will enjoy her marriage because Ebira men don't like to be pushed, she told her that those her neighbors might be envying her and she doesn't know it because every woman loves freedom, so they also want to be free the way she is free but they can't because it is against their culture.

Episode five

Oyine started comparing her husband with Adeiza, she said that her husband is not caring and there's no way she will take such things from him, she said this is the reason why her husband is not helping her with house chores is because he is not civilized, he started calling him names each time they have a little quarrel, she will turn it to something big.

One day she went to visit Oyiza in her flat and she meet Adeiza pounding yam, she looked at him for a while and wished this could be her husband, she told herself that she must make Enebere to pound for her whether he likes it or not, she said after all, Oyiza is a lady just like her so there's nothing special about her.

When Enebere was about to return from work, she peeled her yam and started cooking, when Enebere returned, he was even angry that his food is not ready yet, he was still complaining when Oyine came to call him that the yam is ready for pounding and he asked her what is his business if yam is ready, he told her to pound it fast because he is already hungry and he wants to eat.

Oyine told him that, he will be the one to pound the yam because she is not too strong to pound, Enebere could not help but to ask her (viresu egwuni ) meaning is she insane, she said she is perfectly okay just that she is tired of being a slave to him, she said is either he pound the yam or they will not eat anything today and  the yam is going waste, Enebere was wondering what has come over her, he asked her how does she expect him to go out and work since morning and then come back to pound again.

He asked her why she decide to make pounded yam when she knew that she was not feeling well, Enebere doesn't want any problem so he pounded the yam for her and told her to be careful because he is not finding her new characters funny at all, she said there is nothing wrong with her character because her husband is not better than these their hausa neighbors that run errands for their wives.

Enebere told her to stop comparing him with other men, he told her that his name is Enebere and not Adeiza, he is an ebira man and not an hausa man, so he is doing what he is supposed to do as a responsible man and his duty does not include running errands for his wife when she is not sick or pregnant, Oyine told Enebere that he will not allow him to treat her like a slave because she is his wife and he is supposed to help her out.

Oyine started misbehaving to her husband and she started denying him sex, she said if he is not ready to change his behaviors there is no way she too will be performing her marital rite towards him, Enebere has reported her to her mother and she has called her several times and warn to change her ways but she will not

Oyine did not know that she is been envied by those she envies, the other women in the compound including Oyiza wished that they will be as free as she is, she has the right to go out whenever she wants, her husband gives her money to buy things unlike them who have no choice but to appreciate whatever their husbands bought for them whether they like it or not.

 

Episode six

One day, Oyine was sitting and gisting with Oyiza as usual and she told Oyiza that she has been denying Enebere sex for the past two weeks and she will continue like that until he changes his character and start treating her like a wife that she is to him, she told Oyiza how he begged her for it yesterday and was at the point of shedding tears but she refused to give him.

Oyiza was just looking at her in amazement, she wondered if a woman have such a right to deny her husband sex because sex starvation is a big offence in the hausa culture that bring up misunderstanding between the husband and the wife, infact it can earn the wife (saki) divorce from her husband.

Oyiza told her that, what she is doing is very wrong because what she just did now is something that she can never try with her husband Adeiza, she told her that if people should hear it, they will definitely scold her for it because it is a big offence here, Oyine said she doesn't care, she just want him to change and be like other men in the compound.

Oyiza asked her how does she want her husband to be caring, she said she wants him to be running errands for her like the way the other men in the compound including Adeiza Oyiza's husband is doing, Oyiza told her that men differ in so many ways, and where they are raised have a lot to do with their character.

Oyiza told her that, she also wants to hold money like the way she used to hold money, she told her that all the other women in the compound want to be in charge of the house like she is but they don't have the opportunity, she asked her why she thinks the other women in the compound do come to borrow money from her despite the fact that she is not working, she said she doesn't know maybe because they think she has the money.

Oyiza to her that they use to come to her because her husband use to give her money, and they know she will have some change left, that is why they are coming to her, and truly despite the fact that the other hausa men in the compound are richer than Enebere, their wives use to run to Oyine for help especially when they want to borrow money.

Despite that Oyine is not working she has savings because almost everything that she buys from the market, she will make sure she add to the normal amount, so she will have change to keep for herself and whenever she needs to send her parents money or she needs to buy anything for herself she will use the money unlike Oyiza who can not even buy anything without her husband.

Oyiza told her that sometimes things are not the way they seems, she told her that she envy her sometimes, because of the kind of husband that she has, she told her that she doesn't like an Ebira man because they expect so much from their wives, they are too demanding and she is the lazy type and she can not survive with a typical Ebira man like Enebere that is why she was happy that she found a native foreigner like Adeiza.

Oyine did not listen because she thought Oyiza is just trying to convince her so she did  not listen, she told Oyiza that if her husband Adeiza can do it Enebere should be able to do it, Oyiza told her to be careful so that someone will not snatch her husband, she decided that she will answer him tonight but it is not over.

Episode seven

That night, Oyine tried to be close with her husband but he told her that he is not in the mood, she was not concerned, after all she just wanted to do it because of what Oyiza said not as if she has forgiven him, she said in her mind that she has just started with him, she said she must change that village character that he has in him, since then Enebere stopped demanding for sex from her but she is not concerned about.

Two weeks later Oyine was inside her house when she heard her hausa neighbor crying, she rushed outside to find out what happened to her, she could not explain to her very well because she doesn't understand hausa and the woman does not speak English either, she went to call Oyiza who was sleeping  in her flat that this their hausa neighbor is crying.

Oyiza followed her to the woman's flat and they asked the woman what the problem is, she told them that her husband has just given her (saki uku) Oyiza asked her what she did, she told her that they have been having misunderstanding but the recent one is because she has been denying him sex because she told him to accompany her to the hospital for family planing and he refused.

The woman has actually has five children through CS and the doctor has warned her not to try to conceive again else she will not survive it, she is the type that doesn't get pregnant when she is breast feeding, she has been begging him to allow her to go for family planing and he said no, the woman told them that, that was the reason she breast fed her last baby for two years and some months, she just stop him from breast milk last month. 

Since then she has been begging him to allow her go for the family planing and he refused, so since last week, she has been avoiding him and she refused to have sex with him because she is scared and now he has given her saki, Oyine was just looking at the them as they were talking because she couldn't comprehend what the woman was talking about since the Only hausa language she understands is how to greet and how to buy something.

The woman said she doesn't have anywhere to go with five children, how will she cope, she said she was actually doing that because she thought he will change his mind and give her permission to go to the hospital, but she never knew it will happen like this, she said he asked him to go because he wants to marry another wife since he already has four wife and he can not marry again but since he has divorced her now he is free to marry another one.

Oyine was so eager to hear what the woman was telling Oyiza in hausa language, she asked Oyiza to tell her because she can't wait anymore .

Oyiza explained everything to Oyine, Oyine asked Oyiza what is "saki " and she explained it to her, she could not believe her ears, Oyiza consoled the woman and told her to put herself together that God will send help to her, one thing Oyine could not understand is why the woman was crying that much because she thought is like the Ebira marriage where the husband will tell the wife to go today and tomorrow family members will intervene and the woman will go back to her husband's house.

Episode Eight

  The end

When they came out of the woman's house, Oyine drag Oyiza to sit down and explain something to her, she asked Oyiza why the woman was crying that much instead of going to the family to settle it for them,  Oyiza laughed and told her that it is not possible because the man gave her saki uku and there is no way they will come back together again except the woman get married to another man and divorce again that's when the man can marry her again.

Oyine still didn't get what Oyiza was saying because it is strange to her, she asked what is saki uku, Oyiza told her that saki uku means that the man have given her the final divorce which is the third one, and she can't go back to him again since he has already pronounced it,  Oyine said but this is just a minor issue, Oyiza told her that sex is not a minor issue to an hausa man.

She said but it is not like that in Ebira where she comes from, she said how can a man just wake up and divorce his wife of many years just because of issue of family planning, that could be resolved amicably, she said the man should have seen reasons with his wife and permit her to go for family planning since her life is in danger, she was wondering what kind of people are these, why will someone just dump a woman like this.

Oyiza told her that, hausa women have little or no right in their husband's house, the only do things that please the man and not themselves,  Oyiza laughed so hard at Oyine and asked her, I thought you said you like the hausa culture and the way they help their wives so why don't you like this one? 

Oyine told her that she didn't know that, this is how they are and she was busy comparing her Enebere a typical Ebira man that respect a woman to people that don't respect the feeling of their wives, Oyiza told her to better go and settle with her husband before something that she will not like happened.

That night when, Enebere came back from work, she served him his food after which she went to wear something very sexy, Enebere didn't look at her he just went straight to his room after eating, Oyine went to meet him and she started begging him to forgive her, that she was just naive, she begged him that she will never do such again, for more than two hours she was crying and begging her husband, he finally forgive her and she promised never to compare him with any man again, she said she just found out that an Ebira man is a national treasure that should loved because their types are rare to find.

Oyine learnt her lessons and she stopped seeing whatever Adeiza and the other hausa men are doing for their wives as big deal, Oyine said she doesn't want the kind of care that has no respect in it, because according to her what her neighbor's husband did to her is because he has no respect for his wife.

My sisters in the house, before you compare your husband with others, try and know their background and probably check the difference in their culture, look for your own formular because your neighbor or your friend's formular might not work for you.

Thanks for your time.

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